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2/17/20

For today's class, I was called by Mr. Paterson for my personal feedback on my individual essay. I was quite nervous about how he would think of my work, but the advice/feedback I got from him was very helpful for improving my writing.
The first thing he pointed out was my title. Before turning in the essay, in one of his classes, he talked about how the title should be a two-part title, so I did as he showed us and made mine a two-part title as well. He said that this part was good, but the title was still a little vague and needed to be more informative. If I can improve the title to be more informative, it would help let the reader better understand the five W's about my essay. Second, he talked about my thesis statement and the connection it has with my three body paragraphs. My thesis statement was good, but the needed connection with the first sentence of every body paragraph was a little weak in my essay. Instead of clearly taking word for word, I paraphrased it into the body paragraphs. Next, I needed to revise the limitations to become shorter in my last paragraph. This was because it can lead to the reader's attention and focus going to the limitations, when in fact the writer (myself) wants their focus on the summary and conclusion. I was leading the reader's attention to the less important parts of my essay, which therefore ruins the important points I was making before that. Finally, I had a bad strawberry in my references. In the bibliography, one of my references was in all caps, because I didn't know how to edit it in Zotero. Later on, I realized how simple it was and was able to fix it with ease. I also needed to add more references to support my claims and reasoning within my essay.
I hope to correctly implement the advice he gave me for improving my essay. From this, I realized that the smallest things count as well as the main points of any type of work. I will improve my essay regularly and hope to turn it in as the best state it can possibly be in by the due date.

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